Sleeping Woes

Sleep has NOT been normal over the past 7 months or so, and that is to be expected with an infant {so, I guess this is what we might call 'the new normal'}.  Izzie hasn't been a really great sleeper, but she's also not been a bad sleeper.  {She's actually a very easy baby, with a pretty laid back 'tude.}

So our recent sleep issues lately have thrown me for a loop.  At first, I chalked them up to the fact that we had been away from home for 2 long weekends in a row.  Til we got back home, and the sleep issues continued.
{**update:  I'm almost convinced that we're dealing with teething here...good news? yea!} 

Tonight as I'm writing this, I feel so torn.... And scouring books and babycenter forums for clues and suggestions. {that being said, those mothers who brag about their babies sleeping through the night should be permanently banned..}

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. 

I now understand this.

But letting Izzie "cry it out" also feels like a form of torture-- for both of us. 

Someone said to me recently, "A baby has never died from crying".  And I was left thinking, okay... so we are going for just slightly better??? {and in my sleepy fog, hearing the words death and crying in the same sentence did not help the matter- worst association ever perhaps?}.

Til now, I've been trudging through, thinking that I wouldn't need to resort to any Ferber-ish measures because everything would magically fall into place without a hitch.

And that has pretty much been the case. Until last week, when we went to Atlanta, and on into this week.  It's reached a point where I'm thinking that maybe she really does need to learn how to put herself to sleep, even if that means that she cries herself to sleep... because waking up every 90 minutes and needing mom there to fall back to sleep can't be good for her either.

But then I remember this huge cloak of guilt that colors some of my decisions....I feel guilty and sad that I'm leaving her with others for such a large part of the week, so the hours that I am home with her, leaving her to cry feel doubly hard. {um, impossible actually}

Admittedly, I have also created some "bad habits", which I then feel guilty about-- using the pacifier to fall asleep, bringing her into bed in the middle of the night, sometimes rocking her to sleep, the loose schedule that she has kept {which seems to shift every couple of months}... I've been told by other mothers that this is all normal, which I guess is comforting...? 

I don't want to foster an environment of neediness and clinginess; I want Isabel to be independent and self sufficient.  But on the other hand, I also want her to know that we are there for her always, and that she is loved, without anxiety or fear.   

When I started writing this, I was in the middle of a 5 minute interval of letting her cry.  She was on her 3rd wake up {3 hours after bedtime}. 

Hashtag: the pits.
Hashtag: the trenches. 
  Hashtag: I just wanted to scoop her up. 
Hashtag: I just wanted her to go to sleep. 

Once I did go and pick her up, her body relaxed immediately, she stopped crying and was asleep within 30 seconds.

I mean...... 

Hashtag:  I'm a puddle of mush.

My being a puddle of mush is, in this particular scenario {and I'm sure in plenty more to come} my kryptonite. Or maybe not?  {I'd like to think that being sensitive will be a strength...}

 



That's all I've got // Just a Cliff Notes version of what's been stewing in my brain for the past 48 hours. 

If anybody has an up to date instruction manual for babies, please pass it along.  I must've missed that somewhere along the way. 
Til then...We'll be getting through these teeth with some crying and lots of cuddling.
A healthy balance, I'd say ;) 

 XO

Cassie

Confessions

1. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get my iPhone videos off of my GD {gosh darn} phone. {please enlighten me if you can help}

2. I keep a secret jar of Nutella at my desk.

3. And then eat it by the spoonful.

4. When I am V E R Y desperate for sleep, I bring Izzie into bed with me during one of her middle of the night feedings, and she will stay there for the rest of the night  {and know that I am desperate for sleep 98% of the time}. 

5. I am experiencing withdrawal from not being able to keep up with the Real Housewives and other Bravo delicacies. 

6. I fantasize about having my own furniture rehab business. 

7. This morning was the first time in 4.5 months that I've had the house to myself. It was 10 minutes, and it was an oddly wonderful feeling of freedom. I have vague recollections of feeling that way on a regular basis, in that pre-baby era. 

8. I fantasize about being a professional photographer. 

9. I often look forward to bringing Izzie into bed with me because a) I miss her, and b) she is a very snugly sleeping buddy. 

10. I secretly hope that Izzie gets my freckles. 

11. That jar of Nutella lasts, on average, a week. {see #2}

12. I have a crooked tooth that makes me cringe. 

13. If {more accurately, when} my husband asks how much something costs, sometimes {translation: 99% of the time} I'll knock off a few dollars. {it's for his own good}

14. I'm being conservative when I say "a few". 

15. I go to Barnes & Noble just to read some glossy magazines, because I'm too cheap to subscribe to them.
16. One of those magazines is Us Weekly.

17. I'm out of Nutella

T H E  E N D 

XOXO

Cassie