Fearless

Being a mother, and becoming responsible for a tiny, helpless person's survival, is {well, duh} a major undertaking. Since becoming a mother, I've been introduced to a new kind of guilt and worry {and really, let's be honest, it started with pregnancy, before the baby was even born// it has something to do with being the protector of this tiny person. 
To me, it's worry on a larger scale than what I've known in the past {and looking back on my previous worries, I remind myself of a whiny teenager...}

These new feelings of {what should I call them? Maternal guilt?} usually centered around some item I had read about, which was the optimal way to carry a pregnancy//usually related to exercise, nutrition, stress, and anything else that may have a direct impact on the growing baby. 
So naturally, I proceeded to avoid all conflict at work {which is not easy in my profession}, for fear that confrontation would undoubtedly raise my blood pressure, and therefore lower my child's IQ {totally rational, righttt???}. I ate close to 7,000 hard boiled eggs, and 865 scoops of peanut butter, because I was paranoid about getting enough protein.  I fretted over the many spoonfuls of Nutella that I ate, because the sugar!! Was I giving my fetus a sugar high? Making her diabetic? Lowering her IQ still further?  Was I getting too little exercise?? {I walked miles at the end// my efforts to meet my Izzie sooner rather than later// but did very little, ie NOTHING during the other 2 trimesters} Or the fish and mercury problem! Did I have 2 servings of fish this week? Oh no! Did I unknowingly poison my child? Her IQ! Brain development!  Basically, I envisioned her being essentially perfect at the outset of her fetal journey, and saw my choices as either chipping away at this sacred perfection, or helping to further build it.  Completely healthy, right? I thought so.

Needless to say, I have learned to let go {a little bit}, and trust in God, and in others.  But this is still a work in progress.

Now that Isabelie is here, there are new ways to make myself feel guilty/bad/paranoid/unworthy.
On any given day, I feel guilty for sending her to daycare while I am at work 40 hours a week {if I had been more successful, I could've prevented this, right?}
// Guilty for wanting time to myself, even though I'm not with her for 40 hours out of the week
// Guilty for sometimes looking forward to her nap times
// Guilty for not spending every waking minute with her. 

Rational me knows that, in order to be healthy, and to be fully present and functioning optimally {for her} I do need time for just me.  Because caring for others constantly, at work and then at home, is positively draining.  And in order to be the best mom, wife, daughter, counselor, whatever, I do actually need some guilt free time just for me.  Without fear of being less than perfect.  And that's what I would like to teach my Isabel..
To be fearless.
 Like her mama?
Yes, like her mama.

XO 

Cassie 

A Downtown Textile Trek

I have a seat cushion that I need to recover.  It’s a super easy, staple gun kind of a job.  The seat cushion is small {it belongs to the vanity I’m painting…or rather, currently stuck painting…bored with it already….have learned that when the wood is not really wood, but veneer instead.... sanding to give it a worn look doesn’t really work… just needs to be painted...kinda boring}. 

So the seat cushion is quite petite. I googled fabric remnants in the area, and came across an article {it might have been a blog entry?} about this place in the city that has a ton of fabric remnants at really low prices.  DeBois Textiles. 

One day after work last week, I packed sleepy Izzie into the trusty Civic, set my GPS to DeBois Textiles and took off.  Let me tell you, if you live in this city, I would recommend mapping your route ahead of time, because this place is at the edge of the earth, and GPS will take you through some of the roughest neighborhoods to get there.  We’re talking, lots of boarded up houses, with no shortage of liquor stores…if you’ve seen The Wire, then you know what I’m talking about.  Roughness.  {really though, when I drive through places like that, I’m usually just shocked/amazed that so many people do live that way in our country… on the fringe, with so few resources….the violence, abuse, addiction and mental illnesses as a result of some of these issues…. they run through generations of families… I’ve seen this in the work that I do…it’s a huge problem and so sad...} 

Anyway, this textile place had a lot of nice fabrics {worst non-segue ever? Trivial much??}, and a huge section of thrift/vintage clothes.   The stuff was old.  Real old.  Not the standard Sears/Target/Old Navy castoffs-- this place was authentically vintagey and thrifty.  We saw: a peasant dress circa 1972, a polyester loud {screaming} floral print giant collared shirt {picture the Brady Bunch wardrobe} circa 1978, lots of sequined and satin party {prom??!!} dresses from the 80s {16 Candles, hello}, vintage Lilly Pulitzer {!!!!}, lots of fur, denim vests….Ripe for the Halloween costume/college theme party pickin’.  We {Iz & I} had a fab time picking through the stuff. Sadly, none of the Lilly was in my size/or had a little stain on the front.  I actually considered using a Lilly dress just for the fabric, to recover my seat cushion, but couldn’t bring myself to destroy such a piece of history.  Although, I wouldn’t really be destroying it, I would be re-purposing it, right?  Isn’t repurposing kind of the hip, green thing to do these days?? 

So, despite all of the cool stuff there, and despite my reallllly slow, deliberate mulling over of the fabrics, I couldn’t find one that I liked for this project.  I asked one of the girls who worked there if they had any more fabrics in the back, and sure enough, she told me that they were going to be putting some more out tomorrow.  She texted me a picture the next day of a print that could've worked, but I ended up going with something that I found on EBay... Which is great, and I'm excited again about this project.  {yay!}

Below: some snaps of DeBois Textiles.  Not my best work--but in my defense, I was carrying a very squirmy baby, who likes to LUNGE for the iPhone, AND we were in something of a rush after our long trek to this little hidden gem. 

This fabric reminded me so much of Cath Kidston!!!

Brady Bunch? Boogie Nights?

Cute for a kids room? Inspiration?

Print on a dress.  If I had a sewing machine, and knew how to use it, I might love to turn this into a different dress... or skirt! or top!

And for the Grande Finale:::Vintage Lilly Pulitzer!!!!

XO

Cassie

 

5 Month Notes

Dear Isabel,

You are now 5 months + 1 week. You haven't pooped in 3 days {I called the pediatrician this morning, all will be right ;) } You like to eat oatmeal, sweet potatoes, carrots and bananas-- although the carrots were a tough sell. As seen here:

We're going to be trying yellow squash and avocado this week.

Last week, you made me and your grandmother {Hubbard}laugh hysterically with your newly discovered big belly laughs {i tried to take a video on my phone but alas, mixed up the stop/record function... exactly what I made fun of my mother for doing last month... the lesson here being, don't make fun  too much fun  of your mother!! }

You've recently started sleeping in 9 and 10 hour stretches, sporadically.  Yay you!!!! The first time it happened, I woke up thinking that surely, it was midnight and I was delirious, but no!! You did it! We are very proud of you for this development :)

Sometimes you yell-- out of boredom, frustration, not wanting to take your nap, losing your pacifier behind the crib, rolling over onto your stomach and being stuck {but I've seen you roll back the other way! you can do it!} or just because you're amused with the sound of your voice.  Your yelling amuses me too. 

Here's a picture of you yelling because you're tired, hungry... and probably bored with playing airplane :)

You love helping me make the bed.  You lie there, while I fluff the sheets over you.  This makes you laugh and squeal and kick your legs. You'll also do this if I wave a shirt or something else over top of  you.  It is WAY  fun for both of us.  You make me look forward to making the bed!!!!!

And here is a video of your precious little fun little face while I wave a shirt over you.

Last Sunday, I took you to church for the first time.

You were so good, and made it all the way up to communion.  At that point, you made it clear that you needed your nap in your bed, not a church pew.  You made a friend that day in the back of the church - Sophie.  She's also 5 months old, and was there with her parents. The 2 of you talked a little bit, and she held your hand.  It was such a sweet moment, it brought tears to my hormonal, sleep-deprived eyes.

And here you are with your sweet daycare buddy.  The 2 of you started daycare at the same time and have hit it off from the beginning. 

You love to swing. And talking {loudly!!}while you swing is your favorite. 

This is your new favorite toy, which I learned about thanks to a very sweet bloggy here {www.lifeofcharmings.com}.  While you're in this thing, I can push you into the kitchen, into your bedroom, into our bedroom, into the entry way...And you can be part of all the action while I try to get a few boring grown up chores finished.  I swore I would not get us into the pink princess stuff, and I won't, except for this one teensy, minimal, adorable little item. Mainly because you loved it so much when you tried it out in the store.

So Isabel, you're the sweetest, sassiest, silliest, smartest, prettiest little girl I've ever known and it is way too much fun being your mommy.   I could go on and on and on and on, but will stop embarrassing us both. :)

XO!

Cassie

{Mommy!!}

Mais Oui

I don't know if it was the rain, or the music on the radio, but this morning I felt like I was playing a part in a French movie { 3 parts sad, 1 part pensive, 2 parts love}.

Just as I got into the car, my phone buzzed with an email.  It was somebody wanting to buy my bookcase {yes! excitement!}// Then I read further// This person wants to buy it so that they can strip the paint and refinish the wood.....Yes, you read that correctly....

But moving on. 

The drive to daycare was particularly gloomy, listening to the classical station {because that will make Izzie smart, non?} // AND it was a Monday morning, which is even more triste than others-- without the heavy gray blanket of Fall clouds, and of course without the arrival of a dream-crushing email { it helps if you let yourself really wallow in the gloom ;) }

Then, just as we pulled up to daycare, the clouds decided to open up and start pouring.  Raining. Heavily.  Buckets. And in those few moments where I sat there in the car, with the music playing, and Isabel in the back seat making her quiet little baby noises... It felt like time stood still for a minute.  I pictured driving off into the sunset, saying bon voyage to you much too hectic city life... But that wouldn't happen, not even in a movie//not even in a French movie. 

So I got myself out of the car {cue the soaking of the clothes & hair }  to carry Izzie in her heavy-as-a-bag-of-bricks carseat // her bag of milk-blankets-bottles// and her ginormous bouncy chair.

The most difficult point of all of this being that moment when Izzie watches me walk out of the daycare room with her big blue eyes.... 

Knowing that I won't see her til midnight {for her late night milk party} is so hard, but knowing that she doesn't know or understand all of this coming and going, is even harder.  The hardest. 

I will become more accustomed to this, and it has already gotten much easier...

We're all okay, and doing what we should be doing....

I think it must've been the rain. 

{Cue the sad music..}

 

XO

Cassie

: