Answered prayers/// A dead batt

Last night, I had some major Sunday sadness feelings.  This Monday morning would've been Izzy's first day back to daycare in 2 weeks.  It would be the start of our first full work week since before Christmas. After Monday morning, I wouldn't see her awake until Tuesday afternoon.  I've managed to get through these months, sending her off to daycare, by telling myself that we still spend a lot of time together.  I've adjusted my schedule so that I work 4 days a week, 10 hours each of those days.  {6 am to 4 pm most of the days}.  Will calls this my fireman's schedule.  I love it because it give me 3 full days at home.  2 days was just NOT cutting it. So, this is working better.  But those sad feelings still creep out of my subconscious, and invade my days.  I try to ignore them, and push them away, they're always there lurking-- sometimes quieter, sometimes louder..  Like last night.  I started thinking about going back to the cold harsh reality that is my job, and Izzy going back to daycare all by her little self.  Isn't she much too tiny to be sent off to fend for herself?? Are they going to read her a story before naptime like we do?? Are they going to praise her when she pulls herself up on something???? Will they love her enough??

It all just feels lonely and empty and grey and sad and cold.  But then, that's also January embodied.  

I guess you could say I was ruminating.  Stewing.  But I started thinking about how, even if tomorrow, I quit my job and said to hell with these sad, yucky, dumpy feelings, and was able to, from that day on, spend each day with Isabel.... I'd never get these last 5 months backs.  Those 5 months are history.  And all of those little moments that make up each day, those are gone.  Because in a baby's life, in a baby's day, there are these tiny little moments that are the most important ones-- a shared grin, a surprise belly laugh, frustration turned to determination turned to a new skill, those slobbery kisses from out of the blue, the babbling..the sweet touches... her backward glance to make sure you're still there in the room with her.... Missing any of that is heartbreaking.  Heartbroken.

SO that is the path I took last night.

Cold. Sad. Gloom.

I considered calling in sick today.  I prayed that something could change.  Some circumstance, some way for us to shift gears and enjoy more of those little moments together.  

Greedily. 

So I told myself to soldier through and pushed those thoughts back to their depths, so they might surface next Sunday night, or the following. 

And then this day happened.

When I went out to my car in the morning, carrying Izzy in her 80 pound carseat, my car didn't start.

I turned the key, and nothing happened.  No lights, no engine, nothing.  Tried again.  And again. And again. Nothing.  

Never ever have I  been so happy for my car to not start.  

Will was already at work, with important meetings throughout the day.  

So we were stuck.  

So happily stuck.

And it was the best bonus day.  

Someone was listening.

Thank you.  

 :) 

It turned out that my car had a dead battery.  From the cold I think.  

When I texted my mom to tell her that the car had a "dead batt"-- she assumed there was an actual DEAD BAT in the car.  Wouldn't you? 

Her texts were: "don't pick it up!!"  "dangerous!!"  "sanitize!!!!!!"  

Fun.  

XO

Cassie 

A Visit /// Some Snow

A few days ago, my parents came to watch Izzy for the day.  Grandparents make the best babysitters.  Isabel spends every Thursday with a grandmother {they alternate weeks and come to our house.  We are so so thankful and lucky and glad and grateful that they do this for us}.  This is really the best day of the work week for us, and we hope for the grannies too :) Knowing that Isabel is home with one of our moms gives me such peace of mind.  It's also nice because we get a break from packing up her bag of baby gear {bottles, bibs, food, milk, diapers, passport, birth certificate, kitchen sink,  etc} it's an at-home granny service. .

My dad & bear sometimes come along.  And then it's a real party.  

And this week, there was snow after they left. 

Izzy has a good grip

Handsome Bear

Izzy has very eclectic taste in records

 

{And- Downton Abbey returns tonight. FINALLY}
 

XO,

Cassie

Mais Oui

I don't know if it was the rain, or the music on the radio, but this morning I felt like I was playing a part in a French movie { 3 parts sad, 1 part pensive, 2 parts love}.

Just as I got into the car, my phone buzzed with an email.  It was somebody wanting to buy my bookcase {yes! excitement!}// Then I read further// This person wants to buy it so that they can strip the paint and refinish the wood.....Yes, you read that correctly....

But moving on. 

The drive to daycare was particularly gloomy, listening to the classical station {because that will make Izzie smart, non?} // AND it was a Monday morning, which is even more triste than others-- without the heavy gray blanket of Fall clouds, and of course without the arrival of a dream-crushing email { it helps if you let yourself really wallow in the gloom ;) }

Then, just as we pulled up to daycare, the clouds decided to open up and start pouring.  Raining. Heavily.  Buckets. And in those few moments where I sat there in the car, with the music playing, and Isabel in the back seat making her quiet little baby noises... It felt like time stood still for a minute.  I pictured driving off into the sunset, saying bon voyage to you much too hectic city life... But that wouldn't happen, not even in a movie//not even in a French movie. 

So I got myself out of the car {cue the soaking of the clothes & hair }  to carry Izzie in her heavy-as-a-bag-of-bricks carseat // her bag of milk-blankets-bottles// and her ginormous bouncy chair.

The most difficult point of all of this being that moment when Izzie watches me walk out of the daycare room with her big blue eyes.... 

Knowing that I won't see her til midnight {for her late night milk party} is so hard, but knowing that she doesn't know or understand all of this coming and going, is even harder.  The hardest. 

I will become more accustomed to this, and it has already gotten much easier...

We're all okay, and doing what we should be doing....

I think it must've been the rain. 

{Cue the sad music..}

 

XO

Cassie

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