Sleeping Woes

Sleep has NOT been normal over the past 7 months or so, and that is to be expected with an infant {so, I guess this is what we might call 'the new normal'}.  Izzie hasn't been a really great sleeper, but she's also not been a bad sleeper.  {She's actually a very easy baby, with a pretty laid back 'tude.}

So our recent sleep issues lately have thrown me for a loop.  At first, I chalked them up to the fact that we had been away from home for 2 long weekends in a row.  Til we got back home, and the sleep issues continued.
{**update:  I'm almost convinced that we're dealing with teething here...good news? yea!} 

Tonight as I'm writing this, I feel so torn.... And scouring books and babycenter forums for clues and suggestions. {that being said, those mothers who brag about their babies sleeping through the night should be permanently banned..}

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. 

I now understand this.

But letting Izzie "cry it out" also feels like a form of torture-- for both of us. 

Someone said to me recently, "A baby has never died from crying".  And I was left thinking, okay... so we are going for just slightly better??? {and in my sleepy fog, hearing the words death and crying in the same sentence did not help the matter- worst association ever perhaps?}.

Til now, I've been trudging through, thinking that I wouldn't need to resort to any Ferber-ish measures because everything would magically fall into place without a hitch.

And that has pretty much been the case. Until last week, when we went to Atlanta, and on into this week.  It's reached a point where I'm thinking that maybe she really does need to learn how to put herself to sleep, even if that means that she cries herself to sleep... because waking up every 90 minutes and needing mom there to fall back to sleep can't be good for her either.

But then I remember this huge cloak of guilt that colors some of my decisions....I feel guilty and sad that I'm leaving her with others for such a large part of the week, so the hours that I am home with her, leaving her to cry feel doubly hard. {um, impossible actually}

Admittedly, I have also created some "bad habits", which I then feel guilty about-- using the pacifier to fall asleep, bringing her into bed in the middle of the night, sometimes rocking her to sleep, the loose schedule that she has kept {which seems to shift every couple of months}... I've been told by other mothers that this is all normal, which I guess is comforting...? 

I don't want to foster an environment of neediness and clinginess; I want Isabel to be independent and self sufficient.  But on the other hand, I also want her to know that we are there for her always, and that she is loved, without anxiety or fear.   

When I started writing this, I was in the middle of a 5 minute interval of letting her cry.  She was on her 3rd wake up {3 hours after bedtime}. 

Hashtag: the pits.
Hashtag: the trenches. 
  Hashtag: I just wanted to scoop her up. 
Hashtag: I just wanted her to go to sleep. 

Once I did go and pick her up, her body relaxed immediately, she stopped crying and was asleep within 30 seconds.

I mean...... 

Hashtag:  I'm a puddle of mush.

My being a puddle of mush is, in this particular scenario {and I'm sure in plenty more to come} my kryptonite. Or maybe not?  {I'd like to think that being sensitive will be a strength...}

 



That's all I've got // Just a Cliff Notes version of what's been stewing in my brain for the past 48 hours. 

If anybody has an up to date instruction manual for babies, please pass it along.  I must've missed that somewhere along the way. 
Til then...We'll be getting through these teeth with some crying and lots of cuddling.
A healthy balance, I'd say ;) 

 XO

Cassie

Fearless

Being a mother, and becoming responsible for a tiny, helpless person's survival, is {well, duh} a major undertaking. Since becoming a mother, I've been introduced to a new kind of guilt and worry {and really, let's be honest, it started with pregnancy, before the baby was even born// it has something to do with being the protector of this tiny person. 
To me, it's worry on a larger scale than what I've known in the past {and looking back on my previous worries, I remind myself of a whiny teenager...}

These new feelings of {what should I call them? Maternal guilt?} usually centered around some item I had read about, which was the optimal way to carry a pregnancy//usually related to exercise, nutrition, stress, and anything else that may have a direct impact on the growing baby. 
So naturally, I proceeded to avoid all conflict at work {which is not easy in my profession}, for fear that confrontation would undoubtedly raise my blood pressure, and therefore lower my child's IQ {totally rational, righttt???}. I ate close to 7,000 hard boiled eggs, and 865 scoops of peanut butter, because I was paranoid about getting enough protein.  I fretted over the many spoonfuls of Nutella that I ate, because the sugar!! Was I giving my fetus a sugar high? Making her diabetic? Lowering her IQ still further?  Was I getting too little exercise?? {I walked miles at the end// my efforts to meet my Izzie sooner rather than later// but did very little, ie NOTHING during the other 2 trimesters} Or the fish and mercury problem! Did I have 2 servings of fish this week? Oh no! Did I unknowingly poison my child? Her IQ! Brain development!  Basically, I envisioned her being essentially perfect at the outset of her fetal journey, and saw my choices as either chipping away at this sacred perfection, or helping to further build it.  Completely healthy, right? I thought so.

Needless to say, I have learned to let go {a little bit}, and trust in God, and in others.  But this is still a work in progress.

Now that Isabelie is here, there are new ways to make myself feel guilty/bad/paranoid/unworthy.
On any given day, I feel guilty for sending her to daycare while I am at work 40 hours a week {if I had been more successful, I could've prevented this, right?}
// Guilty for wanting time to myself, even though I'm not with her for 40 hours out of the week
// Guilty for sometimes looking forward to her nap times
// Guilty for not spending every waking minute with her. 

Rational me knows that, in order to be healthy, and to be fully present and functioning optimally {for her} I do need time for just me.  Because caring for others constantly, at work and then at home, is positively draining.  And in order to be the best mom, wife, daughter, counselor, whatever, I do actually need some guilt free time just for me.  Without fear of being less than perfect.  And that's what I would like to teach my Isabel..
To be fearless.
 Like her mama?
Yes, like her mama.

XO 

Cassie