Answered prayers/// A dead batt

Last night, I had some major Sunday sadness feelings.  This Monday morning would've been Izzy's first day back to daycare in 2 weeks.  It would be the start of our first full work week since before Christmas. After Monday morning, I wouldn't see her awake until Tuesday afternoon.  I've managed to get through these months, sending her off to daycare, by telling myself that we still spend a lot of time together.  I've adjusted my schedule so that I work 4 days a week, 10 hours each of those days.  {6 am to 4 pm most of the days}.  Will calls this my fireman's schedule.  I love it because it give me 3 full days at home.  2 days was just NOT cutting it. So, this is working better.  But those sad feelings still creep out of my subconscious, and invade my days.  I try to ignore them, and push them away, they're always there lurking-- sometimes quieter, sometimes louder..  Like last night.  I started thinking about going back to the cold harsh reality that is my job, and Izzy going back to daycare all by her little self.  Isn't she much too tiny to be sent off to fend for herself?? Are they going to read her a story before naptime like we do?? Are they going to praise her when she pulls herself up on something???? Will they love her enough??

It all just feels lonely and empty and grey and sad and cold.  But then, that's also January embodied.  

I guess you could say I was ruminating.  Stewing.  But I started thinking about how, even if tomorrow, I quit my job and said to hell with these sad, yucky, dumpy feelings, and was able to, from that day on, spend each day with Isabel.... I'd never get these last 5 months backs.  Those 5 months are history.  And all of those little moments that make up each day, those are gone.  Because in a baby's life, in a baby's day, there are these tiny little moments that are the most important ones-- a shared grin, a surprise belly laugh, frustration turned to determination turned to a new skill, those slobbery kisses from out of the blue, the babbling..the sweet touches... her backward glance to make sure you're still there in the room with her.... Missing any of that is heartbreaking.  Heartbroken.

SO that is the path I took last night.

Cold. Sad. Gloom.

I considered calling in sick today.  I prayed that something could change.  Some circumstance, some way for us to shift gears and enjoy more of those little moments together.  

Greedily. 

So I told myself to soldier through and pushed those thoughts back to their depths, so they might surface next Sunday night, or the following. 

And then this day happened.

When I went out to my car in the morning, carrying Izzy in her 80 pound carseat, my car didn't start.

I turned the key, and nothing happened.  No lights, no engine, nothing.  Tried again.  And again. And again. Nothing.  

Never ever have I  been so happy for my car to not start.  

Will was already at work, with important meetings throughout the day.  

So we were stuck.  

So happily stuck.

And it was the best bonus day.  

Someone was listening.

Thank you.  

 :) 

It turned out that my car had a dead battery.  From the cold I think.  

When I texted my mom to tell her that the car had a "dead batt"-- she assumed there was an actual DEAD BAT in the car.  Wouldn't you? 

Her texts were: "don't pick it up!!"  "dangerous!!"  "sanitize!!!!!!"  

Fun.  

XO

Cassie