Two Faced

{I'm going to try to explain something that is hard to explain. Please excuse and pardon run on sentences, vagueness, and rambling}

I've been having a problem since I've gone back to work, and have had trouble articulating it// to myself and to anyone else. But today I think helped to solidify the root of this problem.  Today, Isabel stayed home sick from daycare.  So naturally, I stayed home with her. 

The problem was, I have very little leave time available because I used up my stash during "maternity leave" {it's really scoffable that we even call it that when so many of us are just using accrued sick and vacation time to create a puny cobbled couple of months leave after giving birth to another human. whoops sorry. I'll try to lay off the italics, and melodrama ;) }. 

 I was worried because later this week, we have an out of town trip planned, so I'll be taking off a day for that// not to mention the holidays which are starting next week//I'll have to take some days for those too......

SO my point is, staying home today was not part of the plan, and even threw a little wrench into the "plan".  Today, Will and I decided that I would stay home for the first half of the day with Izzie, and then he would come home at lunch time so that I could go to work for the rest of the day.

 Problem was, when he got home, leaving Izzie// and our little nest of tissues, pillows, toys, coughs and sneezes was the absolute last thing I wanted to do.{I do not get paid enough to be motivated to leave that nest// that baby}.  I tried to do it though.  I brushed my hair, put on some work pants, and envisioned going there and putting on my work face for 5 hours or so....

 But Isabel had had a rough couple of nights, and this weekend we had learned that when she is touchy and sicky, she wants mom, and has a very hard time being calmed//comforted by dad. {I truly believe that this is related to her being a baby who loves to nurse, and still does// nursing = comfort. period.} 

SO, I sat there and pictured being at work, away from the sick baby nest// and knew that I would be mostly unproductive, distracted and sad.  I also was not so sure that I would actually be able to put on my work face, nor was I sure that I should.  I just knew that I needed to be there for my sicky bebe. 

My "issue" then, is this:  switching from mommy face to work face is hard, and is not seamless.  My brain tries to make the transition, but is often left feeling displaced// while my thoughts wander {sometimes endlessly} at work, to avoid really accepting the transition to work {because what do you do with the mom feelings? stuff them into a pocket for later I guess..?}. 

At home, with an hour and a half in the evenings to: enjoy Izzie, give her dinner, bathe her, and put her to bed// it's really hard to feel like I've been able to switch gears back to mommy mode// and in a way, I think this is an act of self preservation.... because if I were really feeling, absorbing and switching between these roles daily, I would get lost in the middle.  But aren't I already sort of lost in the middle?  Where does my "self" fit into this mess?  {and the mess includes more than being a mother and an employee-- there's being a wife, a daughter, a niece, a friend...} 

A  partial solution would be to make more of an effort to really be in the moment, whatever that moment may be.  {I need to practice my Ommm}  To not allow myself to escape into thoughts or daydreams, and to push myself to be fully present// in my work and at home.  But this also requires carving out some blocks of time that are "escapes", because really, who can be present and giving all of the time?  
It's a delicate balance, I'm finding.. And I'm clearly still looking for the right balance.
I may never find it {that perfect recipe}, and that's ok, but I can move closer towards finding it.
And in the mean time, I will be trying to merge my different faces {or masks?} into one fluid person, so that these transitions might become less transitional {and icky} and more.... smooth.
Peace and Love and Om. 

{By the way, disclaimer: I realize that this issue is not unique to me, nor is it unique to mothers, but I have only just started to notice it and to feel quite annoyed by it.}